Tuesday, June 20, 2006

new old feelings

My father tried calling late last week; he claims he left no message, but Andy says sie heard two messages from him on voicemail. Sie forgot to tell me he called for a day or so, and we were near Guerneville at that point, and i had no cell coverage. Upon returning to radio-wave-bathed civilization, I get a voicemail from him piteously crying for some word from me, to let him know everything is alright.

This from my father, the man who taught me (by example) that you should really just relax about calling people you love; that if something's wrong, people will call. Also the man who i felt abandoned by as a child (maybe not through any fault, just by circumstance). I think as he ages, as our extended family shrinks over time, he's starting to feel the weight of his choices, and is maybe projecting his newfound need for family closeness at me. I love my dad, and thought that i had long ago accepted his foibles and wouldn't be rattled by his hypocrisy.

Dropping Antonio at daycare this morning, he gave me a look as i stood at the door waving goodbye, and the look spoke volumes to me. It said "Why are you leaving? I'm your only child and my life is racing by, and you only spend a fraction of it with me. Why are you leaving?" I am, in so many ways, just like my father, just like my other parents. I just want to know how to keep Antonio from feeling the way i did... he's too young to understand why dad has to be away, and even if he could, wouldn't he be justified in feeling abandoned (at least emotionally) anyway?

This world is cruel. Even when we want to do the best for someone, we leave them scarred and scared and feeling alone.

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