Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Dream Log

I find myself working at google, but it mostly involves sitting at cafeteria/cafe benches with some old timers, talking about a position called "Total Enrichment" which only five people had been promoted to. According to some of them, it meant that those that were promoted couldn't be constructive or productive in an ordered setting, so they're given salary to goof off. The other perspectives are that not having any order or direction allowed the most creative people to find the right things to work on.

(this dream was surely prompted by a conversation at dinner last night about a friend-of-a-friend who got lost in the chaos at google, and an earlier conversation with a libertarian co-worker)

Edit: I remembered, also, that ascending to "Total Enrichment" required going to classes and seminars, which, consciously, reminds me of scientology.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

separation anxiety

I feel like i'm being given a second chance at learning something i didn't learn when i was 16 (or maybe 17).

Back then, i fell completely head-over-heels in love with someone without really knowing them. We seemed to grow closer, without ever having a "dating" relationship, and one day they handed me a letter which basically said "it was nice knowing you, but our time of interaction is over: please leave me alone now."

I spent days in, near, or well past tears, wondering what it was about myself that they found so detestable, so utterly disgusting that they couldn't interact with me anymore. I couldn't really function at school and really didn't want to be around anyone.

I've felt this way recently, and though the circumstances are different, the final action ("go away, don't talk to me anymore") is equivalent.

What's the lesson here? It can't possibly be that i shouldn't get close to people. Is it that i shouldn't be so reliant on the approval of others for self-image? As social beings, i'm not sure it's possible to escape the need for validation of some kind. What's the lesson here? It can't possibly be that i shouldn't care what someone i love thinks or feels.

What's the lesson here?

Thursday, November 09, 2006


Minerva (the motorcycle i ride) passed the 17K mile mark today.
While i haven't put all those miles on her, i've put most of them on, and can pretty closely match my riding miles to those on Minerva (there have been a couple of other bikes, which compensates for the miles that Lisa put on Minerva early on).

17 thousand miles doesn't seem like much to most drivers of cars; a year or two of driving for the average city dweller. It seems so much farther on two wheels, and certainly more enjoyable and memorable. Somehow the mountains between San Francisco and Portland seem more vivid through a helmet visor than they do through a windshield in my memories.

Things are even more vivid on a bicycle, though. So, here's to hoping i can make it to 1700 miles on my bicycle in the near future.

Monday, November 06, 2006


After over three weeks of being in a constant state of near-tears (and, often, well passing the place where tears flow and finding the valley of racking sobs), it was good to have a weekend and a day of feeling ok.

In looking back over the last month of my life, i see more pain resulting from cowardice and supplication than would have resulted from fighting. I've learned that conflict can be productive, and doesn't have to mean that everyone loses. Sometimes, maybe more times than not, avoiding a fight (and by fighting, i just mean being brave and honest, even in the face of conflict) leads to more hurt than just dealing plainly with the conflict.

After being on top of the world and feeling like i'd reached a place of acceptance today, i have cause to look back at my shameful silence and burn in my own fear.

I wish i had a way to convey an apology to those i have wronged with my lack of support, i wish that i could ignore requests for privacy and space and deliver an apology, and i wish that it didn't feel like a violation of boundaries to want to do so.